I have never been great at keeping up with diaries or journals.... i do well at the beginning but then slack off.... oh well, this is for me to do anyway I want so I guess that is ok.
DH still struggling with his PTSD and depression. It has been so many years now. He does show improvement at times and then the beast that it is attacks him again. I struggle to find the strength and patience at times but love him so very very much and wish there was a magic wand I could use to just make him better and happy.
In a previous post I talked about why I feel lonely alot. I think DH's condition is part of that reason. When he is in a bad cycle, he withdraws from me. We have also withdrawn from social things as well and have very few friends. I still try to do things with my ATC group and family on my own but sometimes I feel so very alone. My BFF lives in Ohio so visits are few and far between. We do correspond lots via email and snailmail and gab on the phone, but it just is not the same as being able to go out for a visit or have someone to go to the mall with, or just drop by for a cup of tea..... I really really miss that kind of friendship. My sister and I are very close and used to do those things too but her life is topsy turvy and she works so much that she doesn't have time to do those things anymore either. It is so hard to make close friends for me.
Not to be all poor me in this post.... I do have some happy things.... my DH, my family, my kitty, a good paying job, a place to live.... the things that are important to me.
Some things I plan to do this year..... take more photos, make more crafty things, kayak, love myself, have one getaway trip with DH, catch up on some bills, eat better/lose weight, exercise more..... among other things.
That's about it for this chilly morning in Feb.... must get ready to go to that good paying job.... (oh goody, NOT)........ all I can say is TGIF!
- Location:on the couch
- Mood:
contemplative
why i feel lonely.... i think part of it is missing my dad..... i think the other part of it is missing something in me... am working on finding out what that is..... i am pretty sure i can find it... just need to keep looking and trying.
fun things for the weekend..... apple picking with sister and the nephews.... campfire.... kayaking..... creating some art.... relaxing...sleeping
- Location:work
- Mood: thoughtful
- Music:cd mix of my favorites
i am trying to make some behavior changes to help me feel better ..... like complaining less, especially about things i have no control over... that's been going pretty well so far. making more time to be creative.... still struggling with that one...although i did make some time recently to go out and just take random photos with nothing else in mind for them other than taking them and enjoying them.
must remember that work is just the place i go to make money so i can do what i really want to do.... stop stressing about all the jerks
- Mood:
okay
it doesn't make any sense to me.
- Mood:
lonely
- Mood:
blank
feeling gray and gloomy and blah and tired of dealing with crap all the time.... i try to be positive but i get so sick of it and being the strong one and supportive..... when is it my turn to "rest". i always do the right thing, i always work hard, but where does it get me.... everyone just takes takes takes and wants more more more........ blah to the world today but we all know i will do the things i am supposed to...... stoopid stoopid responsible me....
BLAH
- Mood: blah
Why is it that we wish the week away to get to Saturday and Sunday.... and then fill our time on those two days off with chores and rushing around. I am learning to spend less time worrying about the "I have to's" and spending more time focusing on the "I want to's". So what if the house isn't so clean you can eat off the floors, it's not like it is a stye and ready to be condemed.... I want to do things that I enjoy and that make me feel good and happy. Those things vary depending on my attitude. Some days I am content to just sit and read, other days I like to watch mind numbing amounts of tv. I like to take photos, I like to kayak, I like to make atc cards, I like to swap stuff, I LOVE TO SLEEP on the weekends.... i could qualify for the olympic napping team if there was one.
I guess I just want to convey the message of life is to short to spend it on mundane things.... do fun things, be good to yourself, tell those that you love how much they mean to you....
enuff rambling.... i'm outta here... time to join the rest of the anxious peeps on the ride home.
- Mood:
chipper
i tend to be a shy person and don't put myself in situations that expose myself to the possibility that i will be hurt. i had a good family life growing up but several other terrible things happened to me at the hands of others and as a result i tend to be a loner and only have two really close friends (other than my hubby) whom i trust enuff to share my most horrible secrets.
up until recently my life has been lived to try and gain acceptance from others..... the past year or two i have been changing that alot.... i am at the point in my life that i don't care what people think of me or if they like me.... it just doesn't matter anymore, as long as what i am doing makes me happy, that is what is important. it hasn't been an easy transition to this point and some days i am better at it than other days.
i don't want to go into too much details about problems in my current life.... we all have problems and i don't want to share some of the more upsetting and personl ones..... besides, who says my problems are any worse than anyone else's and besides that's what i pay my counselor for anyway.
you will notice i will rarely mention my job because my job does not define who i am and it's just a place i go to earn the money i need to pay the bills and have a litte extra to do the things i really enjoy.
ok... so this is me at the moment, i am a work in progress and may change into a bitch at any moment...(just wanted to warn you)
sadly, i must stop writing now and get ready to go to "work"... i hate that four letter word.....
hope i didn't bore anyone too much.
- Mood: pensive
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